“You are a mad man! You think you can do this and get away with it? I will prove to you that my madness is just like yours, even worse! You haven’t seen anything yet! I will show you “shege” in this city! Foolish human being! So no one has ever told you about me? Christie Adisah! Aaaaaah…!” 

The voice went on and on, louder and louder, spitting verbal fire. 

I was visiting my friend, Ojiugo and as we chatted at the dining table, we heard those harsh words coming from one of the rooms. It was her mother. She was on the phone with someone but we couldn’t guess who it was. Ojiugo’s parents got divorced when she was 18 years old and she moved in with her mother while her father met and married another woman. It had been 3 years since the divorce happened. Ojiugo never shared details of her parents’ relationship with me and I was careful not to probe.  

“Nazo, please let’s leave this place.” 

I quickly grabbed my bag and walked towards the door. I wasn’t sure what that was about and I had no plans to witness the end of it. 

We walked out of the compound to the streets and after a few minutes Ojiugo looked backed to be sure we were far away from her house, then she said to me, 

“Nazo, I’m so sorry you heard that. These are the kind of outbursts I hear from my mother every other day and it’s been like this since the divorce.  I keep wondering if this is the result of all the emotions she bottled up while she had issues with my father. It’s so heartbreaking to watch her go down this lane every time.” 

She paused for a moment and continued, 

“This isn’t the mother I knew ten years ago. She has changed and it’s not looking good at all. She is either yelling at someone over the phone, or she is complaining to someone else about all the evil my father did to her and how she wished she fought back. Some days, I hear her sobbing in her room, on the other days I hear her praying out loud and asking God to vindicate her. I feel like my mother is emotionally wrecked right now and I am afraid that she might lose her mind soon; that is if she hasn’t lost it already.” 

I didn’t know what to say or how to respond. What did I know? I was just a young 21-year old girl at that time and this wasn’t something I was familiar with. 

A few days ago, I remembered this incident and replayed my conversation with Ojiugo in my head. I thought about her fears regarding her mother’s state of mind and how angry she was with her father and how she blamed him for her mother’s emotional instability . I remembered the stern look on her face when she said to me, “Nazo, no man is worth the trouble. I will not allow any man do this to me” and when I tried to hush her from saying more, she hushed me with these words, 

“Nazo if you knew my mother before the divorce, you will understand why my mind is made up. She was an angel in human form. She was so bubbly and full of life. She was talkative but never used harsh or violent words. The difference between who she was before the divorce and who she is now is like night and day.”

As I reflected on this, I realised how damaging it can be to us and our loved ones when we allow the negative events that happen to us to become strong-holds in our lives, occupying space and living rent-free in our hearts. We allow these experiences to control our present and determine our future. 

Life happens. 

Sometimes, the events are exciting and beautiful; like giving birth to your child, getting married to your soul-mate, moving into your dream house or celebrating a milestone in your life or in the life of a loved one.  Sometimes, the events are sad, painful and traumatic like the death of a loved one, the betrayal from someone you trusted, a medical diagnosis from the doctor, a separation, divorce or the crumbling of a business. 

These events make up the bits and pieces of what we call life and while we do all that is within our human power to keep the negative events from happening, they still happen. The good news is that we have the power to decide how we respond to them. 

Let us take a few minutes to ponder on our past and present experiences. 

How did you respond? How are you responding? 

Have you become a bitter person, always suspicious and never forgiving OR have you learnt the habit of forgiving your offenders in advance? 

Have you become highly irritable, extremely violent and always ready to engage in a war of words OR have you learnt to tolerate people, knowing that human beings act based on how much knowledge they have per time and so if they knew better, they would have done better? 

Are you easily intimidated and always seeking approval from others OR  have you learnt that life is a personal race, and so it is not your priority to be like the fellow next door; neither is it mandatory for you to be loved by the fellow across the street. 

As someone who believes in God, I try to live my life based on biblical principles and this is what I found in the Bible regarding my response to experiences that are unkind, unfair and unjust: 

“Dear friends, never take revenge. Leave that to the righteous anger of God.” 

“Don’t let evil conquer you, but conquer evil with good.”

I know that society expects me to “wise up”, be street-smart and tough; however, I am learning that there is a difference between street-smartness and godliness and that the former should not interfere with the latter; I am also learning that I can gain knowledge from the experience without allowing it to influence the good in me. 

I can choose to let the good in me conquer the evil that is fighting to gain ground around me. 

Through the help of God, I can conquer evil with good.