I met a young man recently.

I was planning a series of events that required some volunteer speakers so I reached out and shared details of these events with him. He asked for further clarifications and after providing more information to him, he confirmed his interest in participating as one of the speakers. As we talked some more, he said a few things that made me believe he was an excellent fit for the responsibility I was placing on him. 

He said to me,

“I’m a father of two young kids and I have my aged parents as well. I am currently at that point in my life where I have chosen to give them my attention. They are my priority now and I will always place their demand for my time above any other responsibility. That means I will not be available as much as you would want; but I can show up for one event and provide behind-the-scenes support for another one, if necessary.”

I was impressed because, over the years, I have seen grown adults struggle with the ability to give their honest responses to the requests and demands that come their way, in a bold, firm and direct manner. What I find is people would rather dance around it, stay on the fence, be diplomatic or accept it even when they know it will be a rough ride for them.  

This reminded me of an experience I had a few years ago. My pastor had asked me to lead one of the departments in our church. If you are familiar with the average “church behaviour” and “Christainese”, you will know that it is unacceptable for a church member to say no to their pastor’s orders or requests.

But I did. 

I expressed my gratitude for the consideration but politely declined the offer. Like this young man, I had responsibilities at that time that required my undivided attention and so, accepting a leadership role was not a wise decision. I will eventually burn out and the people under my supervision will end up not getting the best of me as their leader, so I said no. However, I made a commitment to participate in other non-leadership functions that will require less of my time and my physical presence. 

I know someone is thinking, “but it’s God’s work. You should have trusted Him for grace”. 

Hold that thought for a bit while I continue my story. 

I remember sharing this with a lady in church when she had approached me to ask why I missed the leader’s meeting. She was shocked at my audacity.

“You said that to Pastor?!That was really bold of you!”

I didn’t think it was about being bold. It was more about setting your priorities right and knowing when to say yes or no without feeling guilty. Thankfully, the Pastor was one who understood and respected my decision. 

There are so many reasons we hold back from saying no to daily requests and demands from other people. One that stands out the most is the fear of offending, hurting or losing them but here is the thing – if we keep giving and accommodating and stretching and compromising, what will be left of us? We lose our values, our principles and most importantly, our identity. 

If you want to overcome this fear, here are three things you should keep in mind, amongst others:

• Know your limits. There is only so much you can do per time. You cannot save the world. You are not Elshaddai.
• Understand your seasons. You may be graced to do a thing; however your current situation may require that you put a hold on it. That is okay. If you are familiar with the Bible, you may have read these words, 

“For God’s gifts and His call can never be withdrawn.” 

God will not change His mind about what He has called you to do; neither will He take the gift away from you. He is not a task-master and he is not a wicked boss. He understands. He is also in charge of the seasons of your life. He decides where, when, what and how. When the time is right, He will make a way for the gift to blossom and flourish. 

• Recognize that you are answerable to only one authority – God, and God alone. Your ‘performance’ here on earth is for the audience of one – God, and God alone. His judgement is all you should be concerned about and if He does not guilt-trip or condemn you, you are good to go. No one else should be God or play God in your life.

It is okay to turn an offer down, decline a request or give conditions for acceptance and still live a normal life that is free from guilt, shame and regret. “No.” is also a positive response. Learn to use it when you have to, if you have to. 

The world will be alright.